Me

My life's pretty pathetic I guess. All the shits that happened. So.. A part of my life begin like this.... I lost my father at the age of 10, literally. I hate him cause he is such an useless person. Being a burden to my mum and to the whole family. He couldn't even support himself and still dares to ask money from my mum. Gamble addict himself, made my mum suffer. Being a man, he don't even feel shameful for using a woman's money. Despite having limbs, he still choose to gamble and not work. Totally gave up on him. I will not and never take him as my father. My father is dead. And at the age of 6 I lost my brother, literally too. I don't really know what happened but more or less, I guess it's because of one reason. When I was young, I played with my brother a lot. Sharing the all the toys. However, I always managed to break it or make my mum pissed to the extend that she will throw away the toys. Maybe it's because of that, that's why he hated me. Now, we barely even talked once a year. When we saw each other outside, we don't even say "hi" and just walk passed like strangers. Because of my childishness, I lost my brother love a long time ago. 3 years ago, when I was aged 16. A month after I ended my O-lvl, I lost my grandma. For real. Didn't even have a chance to show her my results and tell her "Ahma! I'm going poly!" Didn't even have a chance to tell her "I LOVE YOU". She just left without saying goodbye. I miss her.. She had a fall a few days ago after a family gathering at the end of November 2009. After the fall, she had a stroke. She passed away on 1st December 2009. I clearly remembered I cried so badly. She was the one that always care for me and protect me. And now, she's gone. For now, I take it that God is going to take good care of her somewhere far away. As for now, I'm doing quite alright if you ask me. I don't have many friends cause I don't really socialize with people. I have some best friend though. Some who are always there for me when I needed them. Some who knows how bad I'm but still talk good about me. Of course, I have my mum at my side too. She's the one that will care for me and give me advice whenever I needed them. There is also someone. Someone very special yet complicated in my life. Someone who I fall in love again who is now with another guy. Alright, I won't go to the extend of bringing in her into this topic. If anyone is interested, wait for my next post.

LOVE

What is love? Someone once told me, "love is something that you will care for, risked for and never regret for." But, is it really true? I once fall in love with one girl name Jasmine. She was my first actually, and that relationship stands for 5 long years. We fought, we cried, we laughed. But I never regret loving her. Cause I know, in my heart, I really love her at that time. We broke up because she went into pursuing for overseas studies. Now we were still friends of course. So why am I talking about this? I've think a lot for the past one month or so, "What is true love" I just broke up with my ex 2 months ago. She was my 3rd and it lasted for 3 months. I found out that I could not love her anymore. Not because I'm onto another girl, but my heart just doesn't feel comfortable. For that, I told myself that I won't be able to love someone like how I love Jasmine before. And within this 2 months, many things happen. A lot of my friends got attached. 1. My 2nd 2. My dongsaeng (sister) 3. My crew mate 4. My secondary sch friend Some are still even in process of what I call "pre-dating". All of a sudden, I feel lonely. I mean, people around me are getting attached while I just got a breakup. More or less, I would most likely get mind-fuck. One of my best friend asked me, "hey what do you do for the first date?" I replied him exactly what I do during the first date with Jasmine. I don't know why but that's what really went out from my mouth. So dose this mean that I still love her or is it me just missing her? Another example, my 2nd. When I found out that she got a boyfriend, I was kind of down. My heart don't feel good at all. Does this mean that I still love her? I got to admit as a guy. Whenever I see anyone that I once love or have a crushed with another guy, I would feel unhappy. I just feel like telling that guy to "F off" but I know I don't have the rights. So does this mean that I still love that girl? I can't make up my mind. I'm confuse. When I'm out with my friends and we saw pretty girls. Yes I do look at them, but its more of like an eyecandy for the moment. I don't really have the feel to actually find one. So why am I feeling like someone have been messing up with my feelings when I don't even have the feel of dating any girl? Recently there is this girl that I suddenly in just one night which I THINK I have a crushed on now. I'm not gonna say the name because she is one of my many years friend and she know lots of people in my friend zone. Ok. So , she's my long old friend. And in just one night because she rested her head on my shoulders (most likely cause she is tired) and just simply that, I have a crush on her. LOL. Funny right? Is it because I missed the feeling of when one lay her head on my shoulder which I had once many years back ago? Or is it because I love her? I can't say that fact that I love her totally and I can't prove that my feelings for her are real (after all, she is my friend for a very long time and before that I didn't have any feelings for her) But there is one thing for sure, she is missed and I'm waiting for a chance to see her again. So someone please tell me .... WHAT'S LOVE?